Friday, October 22, 2010 11:11 PM
Z-Day is coming. The Zombie Apocalypse is immanent, and we must prepare now. If you aren't a believer, well, let's quickly prove that you should believe in and prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse...
Why You Should Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
There are 4 scenarios with 2 outcomes. The worst possible outcome is that you become a zombie, and this is infinitely horrible. The other outcome is that you don't become a zombie, and this is good.
Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
You're prepared and
do not become a zombie
You become a zombie
You wasted some prep time, but you're not a zombie
You didn't waste any prep time, and don't become a zombie
Clearly, you lose an infinite amount if you become a zombie. That horrible consequence really necessitates that you prepare. If there is no Zombie Apocalypse, then you lose nothing except for a bit of preparation time. But... When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, and you don't prepare, then you're hosed. But if you do prepare, then you're good to be a hero!
So, now that you're convinced that you must prepare for the impending horrors of the Zombie Apocalypse, how do you do it? Here are the top 10 things you can do to prepare right now!
Top 10 Ways to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
#10 Stockpile all the guns you can.
This is #10 because it's just so obvious. Zombies? Shoot 'em in the head. So, you need guns. Lots and lots of guns.
#9 Stockpile all the ammo you can.
Guns are great, but they need ammo. Lots of it. You're going to burn through a ton of ammo to start until you learn how to shoot properly. This might seem trivial, but you'd be surprised at just how close some people's live intelligence is to their undead intelligence. Not you of course, because you're already preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse!
#8 Monster trucks.
Sure you could cruise around in any old Ferarri that you find, but why not cruise in practical style? Zombies will jump up on your hood and smash in your windows in some lame sedan, after which they'll eat your brains. But with a big monster truck, you're safe way above the action. Plus, it's more fun to run down zombies when you have 6' tires. Make sure to have good mufflers so you can hear their heads pop!
#7 Stockpile all the gasoline you can.
You're going to have to have a lot of gas stockpiled and hidden. Monster trucks eat a lot of gas. Plus, in a pinch you can use gas to make impromptu napalm!
#6 Stockpile canned food and lots of Twinkies.
Killing zombies is hard work, and you're going to get hungry, so stock up now. Make sure to have lots of Twinkies to bribe bad-ass Twinkie addicts.
#5 Stockpile porn.
You might think that it's a dumb idea now, but just wait until it's been 5 years since you saw another human being, alive. Make sure to get magazines because eventually electricity and batteries will die out. Include hand lotion and kleenex in your stockpile.
#4 Stockpile rechargeable batteries, flashlights, candles, lighters, matches, fishing poles, knives, axes, machetes, bear traps, chemical defoliants like agent orange or DDT, flame throwers, dynamite, and other camping supplies.
Face it. You're gonna be roughing it for a while.
#3 Build a bunker tower.
Bunkers will keep you safe, and towers are best. This way you can see far around you and get in some sniper practise now and then. Build it as high as possible. Ignore building codes and local by-laws because they're only made by people that are going to be zombies anyways.
#2 Big military hardware. Nukes if possible.
Sniping zombies will get dull after a while. Work on getting bigger and better weapons. You can always leave this until after the Zombie Apocalypse has begun though.
#1 Start killing your neighbors now.
Sure you might get branded as a serial killer by some nutjobs out there that aren't preparing themselves, but better safe than sorry. With your neighborhood cleared out of all humans, you're much safer when the Zombie Apocalypse comes. In the worst case scenario, you've at least bought yourself some time. Make sure not to get caught for killing everyone though. Or at least don't get caught until after the Zombie Apocalypse breaks out. If you have any good neighbors, you might want to consider keeping a few. Make sure that they're already preparing though, because those that don't prepare will only end up as zombies, and you'll have to kill them anyways.
Well, there you have it. The top 10 things to get started on right now while you prepare for the Zombie
Copyright ©2010 Ryan Smyth
2 comments so far...
By mosquito biter on
Monday, October 25, 2010 5:49 AM
Re: Top 10 Ways to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
Hmmm, your two by two grid is lacking a few cells, which need to be assigned values. Here is an example:
You get bored waiting for the zombie apocalypse and get drunk on absinthe and liquor. Drunk, paranoid and rolling in all of the guns and ammo, you hallucinate a zombie attack and fight it off. When you wake up the next day, you are hung over, and find that some of your shots hit your fuel supply, which exploded, burning down your tower bunker. You also shot your only remaining neighbor, Mrs. Henderson, who had come over to offer you a plate of cookies. The fire resulting from the explosions also burns up all of your porn, your monster truck and other supplies (except the twinkies, which are indestructable). THEN the zombie apocalypse beings.
By Renegade on
Monday, October 25, 2010 5:52 AM
Re: Top 10 Ways to Prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse
Hahaha~! I suppose a lot of fireproofing is needed then!